Well…yeah.
I’m starting to realize that my life in college was decidedly more adult then it is now, after college.
In college, I usually ate regular, healthy meals, and fell asleep in my own bed.
I didn’t regularly pass out on the floor next to my bed with a roll of raw cookie dough in my hand.
So I’m on the L train yesterday.
I get on the train, sit down, the train goes a few stops and fills up. Seats are all taken.
A pregnant lady gets on at Grand, looks around and stands next to the door across from my seat.
Instinctually I go to stand up and offer her my seat because, hey, she’s pregnant and the MTA has all those signs up about offering your seat to a pregnant lady/disabled person so I want to be nice show everyone else on the train how thoughtful I am.
But then I stop, because:
What if she’s just fat?!
If she’s just fat and I get up and offer her my seat, SHE’S GONNA KNOW.
She’s gonna know I think she’s preggers. How embarrassing for ME.
but seriously, how embarrassing for me.
And then I think “No she’s totally pregnant…right?”
And then I start thinking. Her belly does look kind of soft…but it is sooo round and big…but then, why has no one else offered her their seat?”
“Oh yeah, I totally think she’s just the type who gains weight around the middle”
“Okay, if she touches her belly in a motherly way then I’ll get up”
“…her boobs aren’t even that big”
“Do women’s boobs get big, during pregnancy or just after?”
“Oh this is my stop”
And I’ll never know…
I love going to pharmacy stores. Seriously I really do.
I mean, I love buying stuff I want, but I really love buying stuff I need. So when I run out of shampoo, toothpaste, vitamins, q-tips, body lotion etc. I’m all pumped to get to Duane Reade or CVS to use the coupon scanning thing and pretend to be an adult.
I also love presents.
So naturally I’d love care packages. Which are basically just a bunch of things you need in present form.
Junior year of college my mom sent me a care package. She’d usually just deposit cash (hey, not complaining) so this was a rarity, and I was excited to get some Starbucks gift cards and expensive shampoo.
I open the box and pull out my giftsies:
A jumbo pack of Hersey’s chocolate bars
A box of tampons
And the book: “He’s Just Not That Into You”
“Hey Bri, thought you’d like these! We’re so proud of you and love you so much! Don’t worry about that guy, but maybe you should try not to talk about pee so much in front of boys?”
Love, Mom
Thanks for the insight Aly.
Honestly my overwhelming fear of labels and commitment probably factor into my singleness. (uh, yeah)
This is because ultimately, you get too comfortable.
This starts when you go to the bathroom in front of each other.
And then one day, you’re laying in bed together naked, eating Chinese food watching some horror movie and it’s 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. And you realize something awful.
You actually hate Chinese food.
And you’re totally bored with this situation.
And you’re totally disillusioned with this person.
And everything that was once fun and exciting seems monotonous and cliche.
And you actually hate Chinese food.
This could be a reason:
A few weeks ago, I was talking with this guy and we were having a really in-depth conversation about morality. We had been talking about Nazi Germany for a good half hour. I asked him some question that he was really answering, totally whole heartedly. And I’m sitting there, and I’m looking at him talk, and then I started thinking about the difference between jelly, jam, and preserves.
See, I had been at the grocery store earlier that day and I swear I stood there looking at all three varieties, all Smuckers brand strawberry for a good two minutes, confused as to the difference between any of them.
In my head:
“Maybe it’s just a matter of seeds vs no seeds?”
“I should Google this when I get home.”
“I should write this down so I remember to Google this when I get home”
“His computer is right there maybe I can just Google this now”
“Oh shit, he’s still talking”
So here’s a tip for you I’ve used for awhile that’s really effective when you are approached by someone you don’t find particularly attractive and/or interesting.
You tell them you’re only attracted to men/women of a different race!
This way, they don’t feel offended like you’ve rejected them personally. You’ve just rejected them and several million others like them. If this reads like I’m kidding, I’m not.I’ve done this so many times it’s almost like second nature.
Example:
::White male approaches you::
WM: Hey you’re really attractive.
You: Oh thank-you that’s really sweet
WM: Can I buy you a drink?
You: Sure (duh)
WM: So, I’m an artist…
You: So, I’m only attracted to Indian guys
WM: Uh, What?
::End Scene::
*Disclaimer: Never tell a person you’re only attracted to your own race because then you might get called a racist.
Example: I am white so I’d never tell a black guy I’m only attracted to white guys…because I’m totally not, okay?!
It was about this time last year that I awoke alone, naked, on my bathroom floor surrounded by more than six aluminum foil beef patty wrappers. And something just occurred to me: I hope that I bought those beef pattys before getting home and getting naked, and not the other way around.
Miss Pretty Supreme Glamour Little Miss Junior Miss 2010.
A big year for me but, still single.
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